Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Staying True to My Word of the Year

My Word of the Year - Boundaries

At the beginning of the year, I decided my word for 2017 would be BOUNDARIES. I wanted to set goals for the year that really aligned with my vision and what I wanted to accomplish this year. That meant becoming more comfortable with saying "No." It's something I've struggled with in the past

I'm someone who needs a lot of alone time. Time to read or think or create. But yet I was always saying yes to things that I would later resent for taking up my time. It's silly of course, and I have no one to blame but myself. 

Some examples: 

- Working on many freelance projects for free, to get my  name out there, which took up considerable amounts of time and brought in no money. 

- Undervaluing myself and not charging what I'm worth with paying clients. 

- I signed up for the #100dayproject and stopped participating at day 24. 

- I signed up for Vlog Every Day in April (VEDA) and stopped participating at day 5. 

I don't know why I do these things to myself. I get these bursts of energy where I want to do all ALL THE THINGS and it just ends up biting me in the butt and making me look and feel like a flake. 

So, I'm re-affirming my commitment to my word of the year. Keeping within my boundaries. Saying no more often. I'm stepping back from it all and just taking a breather and focusing on the things that are truly important to me. 

Wish me luck. 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

On The Threshold

On The Threshold - a memory | www.thechroniclesofchaos.com

We rode in the elevator in silence. My dad carrying the laundry basket; me standing next to him quietly, happily. I couldn't have been more than 3 years old. We got to the lobby of our apartment building and the elevator doors opened. My dad got out and headed for the laundry room. I started to follow, but then hesitated. I stood there for a moment, my foot poised to step over the threshold of the elevator. But I couldn't make myself take that next step. I thought, what would happen if I did nothing? If I just stayed here? 

My dad was now out of sight, the lobby was deserted and I was alone for what felt like the first time in my 3-year-old life. There was this weird feeling of pleasure. I wanted to be the "captain" of the elevator and push all the buttons without getting in trouble. I even reached out my hand to do so. But I stopped because the elevator doors were slowly beginning to close. 

I began to panic. What if I got lost? How would I find my dad again? Why was I just standing here, frozen? 

A couple entered the lobby and saw me in the elevator as the doors were still closing. I must have looked terrified, realization dawning on me that I was heading for the unknown - alone and frightened. The man quickly ran across the lobby and pressed the UP button. The doors reversed their direction to open back up. He looked at me with kind, concerned eyes. I was rooted to the spot, staring at his fringed leather jacket and his long beard, watching his lips move as he asked if I was lost. 

I stared for a moment more, taking in his kindness and his beautiful wife, with long hair down her back. I said nothing, and I ran out of the elevator and into the laundry room, barely hearing the faint cry of, "Wait!". I squeezed my dad as tightly as I could, flooded with relief. I don't think he realized what happened at the time as this flashed by in a matter of moments (though, I did tell him later). But he started the washing machine, and squeezed me back just as tight. And just like that, all was right in my world again. 

This happened over 3 decades ago, but I still think about that moment. Standing at the threshold, detached, yet full of wonder; fearful, yet steps away from safety.