Friday, July 22, 2016

Walk of Shame

Last week, the hubs and I took the boys to a water park. It was a hot, but not-too-hot day, and we knew they'd have fun. Minus the whining in the car because it was "taking too long" to get there. You know... the usual. 

I hadn't worn my bathing suit since last year. It's a red tankini/halter top and black swim shorts for the bottom. When I put it on that morning, I felt so uncomfortable. Like there was just so much more of me than there has ever been. I've gained and lost and gained and lost a lot of weight over the past 2 years. But these past few months, more than ever, I've felt so uncomfortable with myself and how I look and how I feel. 

I put on a cover-up over my bathing suit and resolved to avoid taking it off as much as possible when we were at the water park. Yeah... that plan went out the window quickly as my youngest wanted me to go with him into the pool to play. And while I knew that nobody was paying any attention to me, in my mind, everyone around was judging me. But really, I was just judging myself. At lunch time, we grabbed a table that was on the opposite side of the water park because it was crowded. We needed more napkins, so I went to get some. And as I made that long walk around the park, I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide. And like I said, nobody did or said anything to me. There were people there of all ages, shapes, and sizes, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. But I felt so self-conscious that it was all I could do to stop myself from running. 

I'm 5'2" and according to the BMI charts, I'm obese. Not overweight. Obese. I definitely teared up when I looked at it. And I know that people have said that the charts can be misleading because some people weigh a certain number of pounds, but it's all muscle. Yeahhh, but that's not me. As someone who not too long ago used to work out 6 days a week and eat relatively well, I couldn't really come to terms with this new me. 

I don't want to make another walk of shame, where I look at the ground and hope no one sees me, where I walk as softly as I can to minimize the jiggling of certain areas, where I feel like I should just go home rather than be out with my family and have fun. 

So, I promised myself, as we all probably have at least once (if not several) times before, that I would eat better and work out more. I'm not aiming for any goal weights or anything like that. But I just want to feel better about myself. I want to like the way that I look in the mirror again. 

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