Saturday, May 25, 2013

Mixed Feelings

My step-dad is in the hospital.  He blacked out the other day and fell and cut his eye.  He didn't even remember falling.  He felt dizzy the rest of the day.  My mom was worried about him, but he refused to go to the hospital or see a doctor.  The next day he was better, so they didn't worry about it too much.  But yesterday, when she got home from work, he could barely walk and he couldn't talk at all. She rushed him off to the hospital and he's still there now.  His blood pressure was through the roof.  She said he hasn't improved, he barely even knows she's there.  He had a stroke years ago, when I was very young, and it left him semi-paralyzed on his right side.  So of course she's worried that he's had another stroke.


I write all this not to gain sympathy or attention.  Those things have never interested me.  I write it because it's hard for me to come to terms with my feelings.  He and I have never been close, save for when I was very little, maybe 3 or 4.  He has always been good to my mother, but he treated my father and me very poorly through the years.  I'm not sure if it was resentment because my dad and I are so close, or if I'm just the "baggage" he had to put up with when he married my mom, but we just never really had a good relationship. He just met my children a few months ago (they're 4 and 2), so that probably gives a better perspective of our relationship.  But my kids adore him. They always ask about him and want to go over and visit. And it hurts my heart to think how sad they'll be if something happens to him.  And I know my mom would be devastated.  


But what would I feel? Mostly regret, I guess, at the way things turned out.  At time wasted and things left unsaid.  And to wonder if perhaps meeting my kids was a sort of olive branch, that maybe he was reaching out to me in the only way he knew how.  


I guess I care more than I'm willing to admit to myself. 



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12 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for what happened to him and about your feelings about your strained relationship. I know it must be hard to try to figure your feelings out right now. I know it would be for me.
    Me and my father were never very close. I always felt just kind of there in his space. We didn't talk. I honestly can't tell you if he ever told me he loved me as a kid. Surely he must have said it sometime? Me and my mom have always been VERY close so maybe he didn't want to interfere with that? Who knows...Then 3 years ago my mom and my dad divorced. My dad had some health issues and I ended up driving him to the hospital a few times. I don't know what happened but something shifted and now he calls me a lot. We talk about all kinds of things and he tells me he loves me and is proud of me. I'm sad that it took the stress of a divorce and medical issues to get him to see me as an important part of his life but I'm very happy that now we can move forward and have a good father daughter relationship.

    Maybe you're right. Maybe meeting your kids was his was of reaching out. Some people don't know how to put their feelings into words....

    I hope things get better =)

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  2. That's a really tough situation Mia, and I hope your step father is doing better today, and that the two of you are able to build a better relationship through your boys. Hugs!

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  3. aw Mia Im sorry! That sounds like a super tough situation, and I hope your step dad feels better, and maybe then you can work on a relationship with him. Just try and keep your head up and think positively it will be ok :)

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  4. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I understand the heaviness of it all and pray that your step-dad makes a full recovery. Sometimes we just need a little kick in the right direction to make things better.

    Thinking of you and I hope you all are able to have closer relationships and more time together.

    Love you friend.

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  5. I'm sorry to hear, I will keep all of you in my prayers darlin.
    As for your relationship, I can't tell ya what to do and I won't but as a stepparent I will say this - sometimes people don't know how to handle situations. But showing you care could make a profound effect. You only have control over your actions, not his, ya know? Be the bigger person.

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  6. So sorry that this happened, I hope that things will heal over time.

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  7. I am so sorry for everything. You are a strong, smart woman raising a beautiful family. Your kids love your stepdad because you are a good person and have set the example. Sending prayers your way my sweet friend.

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  8. Mia, i thought this was such a heart-felt post. i'm so sorry for what he is going through and what you are feeling as a result of that. love you! stay strong :)

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  9. Mia, Life choices are not always easy or even the best. They are what they are. Listen to your intuition and do the best you can -- always. I am sad to hear about your step-father. Peace and Blessings to you and your family always

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  10. Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue to flesh out your feelings - for everyone's sake. I appreciate your honesty.

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  11. That is a very tough position to be in. I hope that all is well, and that you can find the right way to explain illness and aging to your children in this time.

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  12. I'm thinking about you and your family! I know how you feel though, in a sense, since my dad and I never had a strong relationship and there's not much that really holds us together or keeps us in contact too much...Although he definitely tries more than I do. And I don't want to strain our relationship, but it can be so hard to talk with him at times without just getting upset about the past and holding on to things that I need to let go of. Let me know if there's anything that you need! <3

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